Before I start chewing on the menu of choices, I want to profoundly
thank the Royals, the Baseball Gods and whomever else might be
responsible for the absence of “Sweet Home Alabama” and Toby Keith’s
goddamn lynching song. That’s at least two entries from
the forbidden list.
Though some of our choices are better than others, overall I’m not
disappointed by the list. That said, however, some of this stuff has to
go.
Garth Brooks: “Friends In Low Places.”
Problem: This is the problem.
Smashmouth: “All Star”
John Fogerty: “Centerfield”
Tom Petty: “I Won’t Back Down.”
Problem: All these songs seem like they were written specifically to be
stadium anthems. I can't wait for “Awesome Catch” by the Dave Matthews
Band or “Yay, I Got a Base Hit” by The Fabulous Thunderbirds
Bruce Springsteen: “Born To Run”
Bon Jovi: “Livin’ On A Prayer.”
Neil Diamond: “Sweet Caroline.”
Problem: Aren’t these already somebody else’s sixth inning songs? If not, shouldn’t they be?
Van Morrison: “Brown Eyed Girl”
Problem: “That song is a about buttsex.” – One of the SNL A-holes.
ABBA: “Dancing Queen.”
Gloria Gaynor: “I Will Survive.”
KC & The Sunshine Band: “Get Down Tonight.” (though I’d personally be happy with this one)
Problem: Way too disco for a ballpark full of drunken yahoos to sway back and forth to.
Journey: “Don’t Stop Believing.”
Problem: Glee. That crappy rock musical that came out a couple of years
ago. Probably a dozen American Idol auditions. Is there a pattern
emerging? Also, isn’t “South Detroit” actually Windsor, Ontario?
The Black Eyed Peas: “I Gotta Feeling.”
Problem:
Goin’ downtown, gonna get me some tissue ...
The Beatles: “Kansas City.”
Fats Domino: “Kansas City, Here I Come.”
Problem: Kinda obvious choices. And what will they play at the end of the game?
The Kingsmen: “Louie Louie.”
Problem: Like Gary Glitter, this seems to exist primarily to allow
drunks to sing along. As the lyrics are
FBI-certified unintelligible,
you can make up whatever you want.
A flaw! A law! A blah blah blah blah!
A cow! An owl! This hotdog tastes foul!
LOUIE LOUIE OH NO ME GOTTA GO NOW!
Bob Seger: “Old Time Rock & Roll.”
Problem: When Ken was serving on the Forrestal, one of his shipmates had
a tape of SEEGAH! that he played over and over. One night it
“accidentally” became the property of Davy Jones.
John Mellencamp: “R.O.C.K. In The USA.”
Problem: F.U.C.K. in the no. And while we’re dealing with Johnny Cougar ...
John Mellencamp: “Small Town.”
Problem: If we want to officially welcome visiting teams and their fans to Crackerville, why not just play “Cotton Eyed Joe”?
Queen: “We Will Rock You.”
Problem: See “Louie Louie.” Also, the best part of the song is the guitar solo, which they’ll never get to.
Johnny Cash: “Ring Of Fire.”
Problem: The first time the Royals load the bases, the song is “Crazy
Train” by Ozzy. But they’ve also used this one. If it becomes our sixth
inning sing-along, what will we use to mock the pitcher? “We’re the
Meatmen and You Suck”? Perhaps we won’t load ’em up often enough for
this to be an issue.
Taylor Swift: “You Belong With Me.”
Problem: I can’t vote for something I’ve never heard.
Elvis Presley: “ Burning Love”
The Temptations: “My Girl.”
The Beatles: “I Feel Fine.”
The Beatles: “Twist & Shout.”
Kiss: “Rock & Roll All Night.”
Bryan Adams: “Summer of ’69.”
Problem: Just kinda meh.
And just so this isn’t all gloom and doom, I’d be absolutely happy with any of these:
Cab Calloway: “Minnie The Moocher” (the one I’ll actually vote for when voting opens)
Cheap Trick: “I Want You To Want Me.”
Dire Straits: “Walk of Life.”
Prince: “1999.” (in honor of George Brett going to Cooperstown, one of the most awesome baseball experiences I’ve ever had)
